Suggestions: Use one of these horoscopes each day in your calendar feature or to complement your "real" ones. Without the sign, you can use each one as an "if you were born today" horoscope.
VIRGO
Avoid becoming involved in a romantic interlude while inside a recreational vehicle — especially if you're driving it at the time!
AQUARIUS
Today you will meet a tall, dark stranger, 6-foot, 190 pounds, bulging muscles, expert in karate, neatly trimmed moustache. No matter how attracted you might feel toward this stranger, don't get involved ... because her husband is extremely jealous.
LIBRA
Avoid becoming romantically involved with any man whose hobby is blowing smoke rings through his nose — in spite of the fact that he doesn't smoke.
TAURUS
Although it's true that you are attractive to members of the opposite sex, the position of the stars indicates that you're mistaken in your belief that Sister Maria is secretly sending you coded love messages when she calls out the bingo numbers every Wednesday night at the church social.
LEO
Today's a good day for playing practical jokes. Sneak into a hospital operating room, tap the surgeon on the shoulder and playfully ask, "May I cut in?"
CANCER
Even though you fancy yourself pretty handy with power tools, today is not a good day to try to save on dental bills by filling your own cavities.
GEMINI
Today is not a good day to do business with a door-to-door vasectomy salesman.
CAPRICORN
Bad luck day. You will be kidnapped by a gang of Rotarians attending a convention, and they won't let you go until your family agrees to pay a ransom of 5,000 unmarked water balloons.
PISCES
If you happen to be in an illegal gambling parlor over in [CITY] today, you will be wise not to play the horses. Everyone knows the horses who hang around casinos are all professional gamblers, and you won't be able to beat them.
SAGITTARIUS
I'm sorry, but your horoscope for today has been censored by the CIA on grounds of national security. All I can tell you is you should have a very exciting day — especially when all the shooting starts.
ARIES
Today's a good day to find out if your girlfriend really loves you. Walk up to Oscar De La Hoya and make a couple of insulting remarks about his mother. If your girlfriend cries at your funeral, you'll know she really loves you.
CAPRICORN
At last you're going to get your wish and be able to communicate with more people than ever before. The FBI, CIA and IRS each will tap your phone.
AQUARIUS
Your wife thinks you're taking her for granted. Show her how much you care by sticking a light bulb in her mouth and singing "You Light Up My Life."
CANCER
Do something to alleviate the population explosion in the animal world. Invent a chastity belt for rabbits.
GEMINI
Today the stars twinkle out the word "romance," which means you will be hit by Cupid's arrow. After getting a tetanus shot, shop around for a slick lawyer to handle your personal injury case. Be sure to retain the arrow as evidence.
TAURUS
Today's a good day to enroll in a body-building course. Or if you don't have time to build a body, see if you can get one that comes pre-assembled.
GEMINI
Today's a good day to do something constructive. Try raising Cain, taxes, a ruckus, the dead, the roof, tomatoes or your consciousness.
VIRGO
Prove to your girlfriend how great an athlete you are. Roller skate up the steps of the Washington Monument.
SCORPIO
Today will be a Red Letter Day for you. A crazed English Literature professor will tatoo a scarlet "A" on your forehead.
PISCES
Today, through a quirk of fate, you will stop being just another anonymous face in the crowd. A victim of the infamous [LOCAL] Park Flasher will pick you out of a police line-up.
LEO
Your horoscope indicates this will be one of the most exciting days of your life. You'll participate in many interesting and unusual activities. But I'm not at liberty to disclose any details at this time; you'll learn about it later when the vice squad appears at your door with a warrant!
ARIES
Today's a good day for social climbing. Go back-packing up to the top of [LOCAL BIGSHOT OR HIGH-SOCIETY PERSON].
GEMINI
Today you will get something you never thought you'd get. But don't worry; three out of five leading doctors surveyed say you'll have a 50% chance of recovering.
AQUARIUS
Observe Sex Education for Pets Day by telling your pet giraffe all about the dangers of necking.
CANCER
Today you will have no choice but to defend your honor in a duel after a Hollywood talent scout insults you by offering you the lead role in "The Osama Bin Laden Story."
CAPRICORN
Today's a good day for watching the world pass you by. Drive 55 miles per hour over on [HIGHWAY]!
CANCER
Today will bring you a moment of both romance and pain. A former Campfire Girl will show her undying love for you by carving her initials on your leg.
TAURUS
As you'll recall, your horoscope for yesterday instructed you to quit your job, divorce your spouse and give up all your worldly possessions because today you'll be rewarded with incredible good forture. Well, today you're really going to laugh, because it turns out we made a mistake yesterday; that wasn't your horoscope; So I guess the joke's on us.
LIBRA
Today's a good day to change the oil in your car's engine. But this time let's really change it. After draining the crankcase, try replacing the old stuff with salad oil.
VIRGO
You have this ridiculous, paranoid notion that people keep talking about you. At least, that's what everybody tells me!
SAGITTARIUS
Today your rising sign can be found in the fifth house, attempting to steal a TV. Make friends with a bail bondsman.
SCORPIO
You have a strong tendency to be indecisive. Turn over a new leaf today. Go ahead and decide who you're going to vote for in the 2000 presidential election.
ARIES
Today you will come to the [CALLS] Building, where you will meet a man who will sweep you off your feet ... which should teach you not to get in the way of the [CALLS] Custodian when he's hurrying to finish up so he can get home in time to see "Gomer Pyle."
TAURUS
Today you will meet a suave, sophosticated gentleman who will ask you to leave your present life and come live with him in his corner of the world. The romance will end unhappily, however, when you discover his corner of the world is [NOTORIOUS LOCAL INTERSECTION].
GEMINI
Surprise someone today. Go down to the Internal Revenue Service office and request an audit.
CANCER
You're feeling discouraged and disillusioned, bothered by the same old troubles. Well, cheer up, because today you're going to be bothered by a bunch of completely new troubles!
LEO
Impress your date this evening. Take her to a fancy continental restaurant, and demonstrate what a man of the world you are by speaking to the waiter in Continental.
VIRGO
You are lackadaisical about your appearance. You can tell when the cleaning lady at work offers to vacuum your moustache.
LIBRA
Today you will lose your life savings when you invest in a scheme to breed & train homing turkeys.
SCORPIO
When we told you yesterday that this would be a good time for "personal growth," we did not mean that you should go off your diet!
SAGITTARIUS
Tomorrow when you go for your regular check up, your doctor will have some bad news for you. Actually, you may think of it as good news — especially if you've always wanted an incurable disease named after you.
CAPRICORN
Impress your boss today. Correct all the grammatical errors in the executive washroom graffiti.
AQUARIUS
People tend to scoff at you and take you lightly, but they might well be wrong. Who knows? Perhaps alien beings from another galaxy really are leaving secret, coded messages on your voice mail.
PISCES
For the rest of your life, today will stand out in your memory as the most forgettable day you've ever had.
ARIES
Financial rewards will be yours today. Take all the rubber bands you've been saving from the daily newspaper down to [THE LOCAL PAPER] and turn them in for the deposits.
TAURUS
Today's a good day for practical jokes. List your minister's name in a personal ad in Swinging Singles Magazine.
CANCER
Be optimistic — even though it probably won't do you any good.
LEO
An amusing thing will happen to you today. You'll be hospitalized after after the rabbit's foot you wear for good luck gets caught in a revolving door.
VIRGO
Today you will make musical history by writing a country & western opera based on the life of Dan Rather.
LIBRA
Impress your date tonight with how cultured you are. Find a way to casually mention that you think Shakespeare's best play was "There's Something About Mary."
SCORPIO
There is nothing wrong with being a conscientious housekeeper, but you have a tendency to overdo things. Most modern cleaning experts agree that it's not really necessary to wax your wallpaper.
SAGITTARIUS
There's a lot of money to be made by supplying products to fast-food chains. Start by raising a crop of french fries in your back yard.
CAPRICORN
You are a very confused person. In fact, you're so confused, you don't know which way is up. This means you should do one of two things: Either go to night school to learn which way is up ... or resign your position as an airline pilot!
AQUARIUS
You have a fine legal mind. The next time you find yourself facing some minor charge in traffic court, conduct your own defense by demanding that the judge be given a sobriety test.
PISCES
Today's a good day to assert your individuality. Go to the supermarket, take two shopping baskets full of food to the Express Lane ... and try to pay for it with bus tokens.
CANCER
Today you will become incredibly wealthy when you announce you've discovered the formula for cloning Michael Jackson ... after which you'll immediately be flooded with offers totalling 976 million dollars for promising to destroy the formula!
ARIES
Today you will attempt to do what no one has ever done: make contact with an extra-terrestrial being ... through a Personals ad in the [LOCAL PAPER].
TAURUS
Your plan to escape from all of life's troubles by becoming a mercenary soldier has merit, but you'll have to be more realistic in your plans. There's no such thing as the Tahitian Foreign Legion.
GEMINI
Frustrate a teenager today. Offer her 20 dollars if she can describe each of her teachers without once using the word "gross."
LIBRA
Make people notice you today. Announce to the world that you refuse to obey the law of gravity due to your religious beliefs.
SCORPIO
Today you will launch a successful new business when you begin marketing bubblegum cards featuring pictures of convicted politicians.
SAGITTARIUS
Take that first step toward acquiring financial independence. Go ahead and send in the $9.95 for information on growing artificial preservatives in your own backyard.
CAPRICORN
Don't jump to conclusions today. Sure, your new neighbor does look a lot like that robber-mass murderer-arsonist who's on the FBI Most Wanted List, but before you call the cops you've got to be sure. Be subtle; try to trap him by asking him to autograph his wanted poster.
AQUARIUS
Be discreet. There's nothing wrong with playing with your dog, but there's nothing to be gained by letting your friends know he beats you in racketball.
PISCES
I'm sorry, but the stars seemed to have messed up your horoscope for today. According to your chart, you're either going to meet a long stranger or go on a tall, dark journey.
AIRES
It's an excellent day for intellectual exercises. See how many dirty words you can make using only the letters found in the words, "Reverend Jerry Falwell."
TAURUS
Creative persuits offer great rewards today. Finish writing that musical comedy based on the [SUBURB] telephone directory.
GEMINI
Keep a stiff upper lip. If you have trouble keeping a stiff upper lip, try starching your moustache.
CANCER
Do what's never been done before. Invent a unicycle built for two.
LEO
Today you will kiss an enchanted frog who turns into a prince and marries you and you'll both live happily ever after — assuming, of course, that you've always wanted to live in a two-bedroom lily pad in a swamp.
VIRGO
Today's a good day to get in touch with your feelings. Send them an e-mail.
LIBRA
Introspection is the byword for today. Stay home from work and try to find yourself. Start by looking in the place where you last remember seeing you.
SCORPIO
You need a real change today. Go out and buy yourself a brand new dress, along with matching shoes and purse. If you're not sure what style to select, have your wife come along to help you choose.
SAGITTARIUS
Your rising sun has left its third house and is now living in a trailer in [NEARBY RURAL TOWN] under an assumed name. Meanwhile, your horoscope for today is so incredibly lucky that I've decided to keep it for myself. Come back tomorrow and I'll give you two other horoscopes in exchange.
CAPRICORN
Demonstrate to the police that you truly believe in law & order. Pull over a speeding highway patrolman and make a citizen's arrest.
AQUARIUS
Today you will astound the scientific community by discovering conclusive proof that, while macaroons cannot experience physical pain as we know it, it is possible to hurt their feelings.
PISCES
I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that CBS has decided to go ahead with that documentary of your sex life. The bad news is they've decided not to feature the report on "60 Minutes." They feel it would be more appropriate for a "CBS News Brief."
ARIES
Today you will lose all of your money when you invest in a nudist camp chain that caters exclusively to the Christian Right.
TAURUS
Today's a good day to put your affairs in order. If you haven't had any affairs, try alphabetizing your plutonic relationships.
GEMINI
Today will not be a good day for you. A woman in [SUPERMARKET] will sue you for whiplash after your cart bumps into hers.
CANCER
Today's a good day to join the fight for law & order. Launch a drive to institute capital punishment for people who try to sneak through the supermarket express lane with more than ten items.
LEO
Today's a good day to let people know how cultured you are. Have a naughty limerick tatooed on your bicep.
VIRGO
Tend to financial matters today. Invest in common stock ... or if you live in [RICH SUBURB], invest in upper class stock.
LIBRA
Life is passing you by, and it's your fault because you live too slowly. Try to catch up with life by having two birthdays this year.
SCORPIO
Attempt the impossible. Try to convince the Osmond Family to host a telethon for Planned Parenthood.
SAGITTARIUS
Your worst fears about your son are true. He's decided that after he finishes his schooling, he wants to become a bureaucrat.
CAPRICORN
Today a young man will come to your door selling magazine subscriptions. Get rid of him fast by saying you'd like to subscribe to "Torture Digest" and "Psycho Killers Monthly" ... then invite him in for a cup of coffee.
AQUARIUS
Your lucky star is Kathie Lee Gifford. You have my deepest sympathies.
PISCES
Gee, this is so embarrassing. You see, today was supposed to be your lucky day, but ... um ... well, actually, I sold it to someone else.
ARIES
Today's a good day to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Try to do it when they're not wearing them, though.
TAURUS
Be different today. Go over to [LOCAL MAJOR AIRPORT] and pester the Hari Krishna for small change.
CANCER
You must learn to pay attention to your bio-rhythms. For example, today you'll reach your intellectual zenith by mid-morning, with a mild depression in the early afternoon ... followed by a low front coming down from Canada, partly cloudy skies and a 20% chance of scattered showers in the late evening.
LEO
Today you will make musical history by being the first person to play the tuba from the other end.
VIRGO
Today you will watch a magician saw a woman in half. Show him you're not impressed by asking him to saw her in half again — vertically.
LIBRA
I've got some good news and bad news for you today. The bad news is the IRS is going to give you a surprise audit. The good news is they've just finished installing a completely new air conditioning system at the federal penitentary.
SAGITTARIUS
Today's a good day to take a flyer in the market. Invite an airline pilot to go with you to [SUPERMARKET].
AQUARIUS
Introspection is today's byword. Spend time looking inside yourself. If you have trouble looking inside yourself, try one of those long, bended mirrors your dentist uses.
PISCES
Women are attracted to men who are romantic yet appear to be different than other men. Prove to your girlfriend that you are different than all the other men she's known. Whisper sweet nothings in her nose.
ARIES
Demonstrate your superiority over machines. Stand on the corner of [INTERSECTION] and when the sign says "Walk," refuse to do so until it says "Please."
TAURUS
Prepare for the upcoming economic collapse by stocking up on the necessities of life. Try hoarding shoelace tips.
GEMINI
Today's a good time to watch your weight. If you've already made other plans, hire someone to watch it for you.
CANCER
Today you will have the Midas Touch. Everything you touch will turn into a muffler.
LEO
Today you will be greatly influenced by the sign of Freud. Your id and your ego are in great conflict. Try to reason which each of them. If they refuse to settle their differences, insist that they submit to binding arbitration.
VIRGO
Archaeological fame can be yours today. Convince a non-profit foundation to give you a 10-million-dollar grant to fund an attempt to prove the legendary Lost City of Atlantis actually lies at the bottom of [LOCAL RESERVOIR OR VERY PUNY LAKE].
LIBRA
Today's a good day to put an end to worries about having cavities, unsightly tooth stains or bad breath due to brushing. Have all of your teeth removed.
SCORPIO
Venus has moved out of your second house and into a condominium down the street. Don't refund her cleaning deposit until you check the carpets for damage.
SAGITTARIUS
I'm afraid I've got some disappointing news. Today you were supposed to be "born again," but your mother absolutely refused to cooperate.
AQUARIUS
As of today, Fortune can be yours ... along with Forbes, Business Week and U.S. News & World Report for just pennies per month!
PISCES
Today you will become famous by publishing a book that attempts to prove that Rembrandt did all his paintings by number.
CAPRICORN
Today an enraged group of grocery clerks will beat you mercilessly until you agree to have a nice day.
AIRES
You've got to overcome your timid nature. Do something today you've never done before. If you're too timid to do something you've never done before, think of something you have done before — but don't do it.
TAURUS
Today your barber will surprise you by using your head to single-handedly bring back the Mohawk hairdo.
GEMINI
This afternoon disaster will strike ... demanding more wages, shorter hours and great fringe benefits.
CANCER
Today will long stand out in your memory as the least memorable day you've ever had.
LEO
Today your name will be romantically linked with a show business celebrity. You'll be named in a paternity suit by one of the Muppets.
VIRGO
People often talk down to you. Solve this problem by hanging around with shorter people.
LIBRA
You will find a lot of money today, but because you are an honest, upright person you will return it to its righful owner. And remember, I lost a whole bunch of money the other day, so if you happen to find some, it's mine!
SCORPIO
Today is your lucky day! Everything you touch will turn to gold — so be extremely careful while toweling off after your shower.
SAGITTARIUS
Today your moon is rising, your Mars is in Venus and your Sun is on the cusp. All of this means that two things will happen to you today. After they do, please let me know what they were.
CAPRICORN
Today is a good day to find out how trustworthy you are. Tell yourself a big secret and then see how long you can go without blabbing it around.
AQUARIUS
Try to cultivate a more cultured image. Take your date to an opera and impress your date by saying, "Gee, what a cheap production this is. They don't even have English subtitles."
PISCES
I'm sorry, but I accidentally spilled coffee on your horoscope this morning and the words are all blurry ... but what the heck, I'll try to make it out anyway. As near as I can tell, your horoscope for today reads, "Dingle rocksalt flaveman Portugal cornmallow grovermeal." So keep that in mind before making any major decisions today.
ARIES
Combine your interests in sports and business. Invest all of your savings in an attempt to launch the world's first Professional Tic-Tac-Toe League.
TAURUS
Today's an excellent day to dream the impossible dream and climb every mountain. So pack up your troubles in an old kit bag and give my regards to Broadway. Just remember that somewhere over the rainbow you'll never walk alone, so put on a happy face and smile though your heart is breaking. This horoscope, by the way, will soon be available on CD.
GEMINI
Given today's political climate, this might be a good time to sever all your Iranian ties. Especially that red & green one your Aunt Gladys gave you for Christmas.
CANCER
Seek out great challenges today. Try to get [OBNOXIOUS PERSONALITY] to join your Sensitivity Training Class.
LEO
Up until today, your moon was in its third house. This morning, however, it moved out of its third house and bought a condominium on the beach ... and forged your name to the mortgage.
VIRGO
Today you will shock the music world by announcing that you've discovered a copy of Mozart's legendary, long-lost "Concerto for Electric Guitar in E Minor."
LIBRA
Now is the time for a bold financal move. Try to corner the market on Nerf Balls.
SAGITTARIUS
Impress your date with how cultured you are. Ask her if she's ever seen that great play, "The Glass Menagerie," by Tennessee Ernie Ford.
CAPRICORN
You are very troubled. You will not find true happiness until you achieve inner harmony. One way to help achieve inner harmony might be to give singing lessons to your liver and your pancreas.
PISCES
Today is a good day for physical fitness. Find out just what condition you're in by trying to touch your toes — with your knees.
AIRES
You've got to learn to live within your budget. You must learn to buy only what you can afford and avoid spending money you don't have. So send for our wonderful new book, "How To Stay Out Of Debt" — a terrific bargain at just 99.95. And if you don't have 99.95, just send us what you do have and we'll let you pay the rest in 47 easy payments of just 33.50 per month!
TAURUS
It's about time you gave up your unusual hobby and looked around for another. Let's face it — your innovative idea hasn't caught the public's fancy. Most people are simply not interested in joining a club made up of people who raise Homing Mosquitoes.
GEMINI
You are direct, plain-spoken and to the point. You believe in calling a spade a spade. You also believe in calling a hoe a spade ... and calling a rake a spade ... and calling a trowel a spade. In addition to being direct, plain-spoken and to the point, you also don't know a darn thing about the proper names of gardening tools.
VIRGO
Avoid becoming involved in a romantic interlude while inside a recreational vehicle — especially if you're driving it at the time!
AQUARIUS
Today you will meet a tall, dark stranger, 6', 190 pounds, bulging muscles, expert in karate, neatly trimmed moustache. No matter how attracted you might feel toward this stranger, don't get involved ... because her husband is extremely jealous.
LIBRA
Avoid becoming romantically involved with any man whose hobby is blowing smoke rings through his nose — in spite of the fact that he doesn't smoke.
TAURUS
Although it's true that you are attractive to members of the opposite sex, the position of the stars indicates that you're mistaken in your belief that Sister Maria is secretly sending you coded love messages when she calls out the bingo numbers every Wednesday night at the church social.
LEO
Today's a good day for playing practical jokes. Sneak into a hospital operating room, tap the surgeon on the shoulder and playfully ask, "May I cut in?"
CANCER
Today you will be given conclusive proof that reincarnation really does occur. You'll be asked to pay 397 thousand dollars in overdue fines for a library book you took out in a previous life.
LEO
Take active steps to make everyone aware of your own unique identity. Have your Social Security number tatooed on your teeth.
VIRGO
You have a reputation for not keeping your word. This is probably because you lost it three times last month. So practice keeping your word. Until you get good at it, you might try sewing it to your coatsleeve.
LIBRA
Today you will begin writing a new book that will prove once and for all that the CIA was behind the fall of Humpty Dumpty.
SAGITTARIUS
Today's a good day to find out once and for all if a dog is truly man's best friend. Put your dog to the test: Ask him to lend you 20 bucks until payday.
CAPRICORN
Tonight you will be going out with a very refined, high-class woman. Impress her with how cultured you are by casually mentioning that you think it's dumb for Americans to attend a Russian ballet because most of them won't understand the words.
TAURUS
Today a close friend will try to tell you you're boring by asking if you've ever read and memorized "The Seven Warning Signs of Dullness."
AQUARIUS
Today's a good day to learn how to be your own best friend. And since a man's best friend is his dog, that means that today is a good day to learn to be your own dog.
PISCES
Today's a good day to achieve total self-reliance. See if you can get somebody to do it for you.
ARIES
Today you will be born again. This will cause several drastic changes in your life. For one thing, all of your clothes will be much too big on you!
GEMINI
Like many people today, you are alienated from your environment. It's time for you to make friends with Mother Nature. Invite her over for cocktails after work this evening.
CANCER
Your great new idea might be doomed for failure. The stars indicate the public just isn't ready yet for an album entitled "The Chipmunks Sing Handel's Messiah."
VIRGO
Today, through an incredible series of one-in-a-million events, you will be the victim of a horrendous case of mistaken identity. But don't worry; I'm sure you'll think it's all pretty funny in retrospect ten or fifteen years from now ... when they release you from prison.
LIBRA
Today's a good day to go joy-riding. But make sure you're not too heavy for Joy to be able to carry you.
SCORPIO
What a terrific horoscope you have! According to the stars, today you will fall madly in love. No, wait ... that's badly in love. No, that can't be right. Let's see ... badly in luck? Gee, our station astrologer has such poor handwriting — oh, I see! Bad luck! Today you'll have bad luck. Lots and lots of bad luck! Don't you feel better now that I've straightened that out for you?
CAPRICORN
You've been having romantic troubles recently because your girlfriend doesn't like country music and you play in a country band on weekends. She doesn't think that's very cultured. Impress her by telling her your banjo is a Stradivarius.
AQUARIUS
Impress your date tonight. When you take her to McDonald's for dinner, be sure to ask to see the wine list. And if your french fries are cold, insist on speaking to the Maitre d'!
PISCES
There is an excellent chance that today will bring you fame and fortune. Well, maybe not an excellent chance, but a very good chance. At least, a pretty good chance. Okay, so it's a slim chance. A very slim chance. On second thought, today may not be the best day to tell your boss what he can do with your job!
ARIES
Today you will lose all of your money in a daring scheme to make a fortune by providing a much-needed service for blind people: skywriting in Braille.
TAURUS
Now is the time to act upon your politicial ambitions. Try to get elected president this year. The stars indicate you'll have a good chance of winning, inasmuch as none of the other candidates plan to get elected until 2012.
GEMINI
The good news is: today is such a terrific day that you'll remember it until the day you die. The bad news is: you won't remember it after next Tuesday.
CANCER
You waste far too much time engaging in the silly exercise of making lists. In an effort to give up this habit, sit down and make a list of all the reasons why making a list is a waste of time.
LEO
Impress your date tonight with how cultured you are. If she asks what you think of "The Barber of Saville," tell her you think he gives a great razor cut.
VIRGO
Today's a good day to put to use all the realistic information you've learned from watching all those cable reruns of "Hill Street Blues." Apply for a job as a police officer. When you go for your oral interview, be sure to impress the interviewing panel by growling at them and addressing them as "dog breath" and "dirt bag."
LIBRA
Taking precautions today may protect you in the future. Teach your parrot to say the words, "I refuse to testify on the grounds that it may get my owner sent to the slammer!"
ARIES
Today is an excellent day to walk a mile in someone else's shoes ... assuming, of course, you can find someone who wears mile-long shoes.
TAURUS
Today's a good day to teach your old dog some new tricks. Start with some basic card manipulations, then progress to the interlocking rings. When you think he's ready, teach him how to saw a woman in half.
GEMINI
Today is an excellent day to search for the Ultimate Truth. First, try to remember where you last saw it.
CANCER
Now is the time to try to walk along the Path of Righteousness. Be careful not to end up on the Road To Ruin by detouring in search of a short-cut to Easy Street.
LEO
Today's a good day to think about jogging. But remember, if you start to become exhausted, stop thinking about jogging and start thinking about something else.
SCORPIO
Today's a good day to show everyone what you're made of. Pass around blood, bone & tissue samples at work this afternoon.
SAGITTARIUS
Today's a good day to make it big in the theater. Write a musical comedy based on Webster's Unabridged Dictionary.
CAPRICORN
Based on a detailed reading of your astrological chart, we can state unequivocably that today might be the single most exciting day of your life. We can also state unequivocably that it might not be the single most exciting day of your life. So whether or not today turns out to be the single most exciting day of your life, just remember: We told you so!
AQUARIUS
Today's a good day for healthy skepticism. Unravel your dental floss to make sure they really did give you a full 36 hundred feet.
PISCES
Today's a good day to expand your horizon. Build on a spare bedroom ... or, perhaps, a screened-in porch.
ARIES
Weirdness and religion are your bywords for today. Petition the Catholic Church to have Frosty the Snowman elevated to sainthood.
TAURUS
It's about time for you to realize that you can accomplish anything you set out to accomplish. Make a list of ten chores you absolutely do not want to do ... and then, don't do them.
GEMINI
Your rising sun is in your fourth house, which is about to be torn down to make way for a new parking lot.
CANCER
Today's a good day to promote decency in our society and fight public nudity. Circulate a petition that would require all babies appearing in diaper commercials to wear three-piece suits while on camera.
LEO
You're a courageous, rugged individual. No challenge is too great for you to ignore; no obstacle is too large for you. You're the kind of guy who, when the going gets tough and the tough get going ... you wave bye-bye to them as they go.
VIRGO
Today's a good day to start making friends in high places. Make it a point to introduce yourself to the pigeons atop the [LOCAL TALL] Building.
SAGITTARIUS
Today is an excellent day to cement old friendships. Line your fingers with Crazy Glue and shake hands with your best buddy.
CAPRICORN
Today's a good day to stand up for what you believe in. Unless, of course, you believe in sitting still instead. In which case, you shouldn't sit still for standing up for what you believe in. If you're the type of person who won't sit still for standing up, then don't just stand there — sit down and be counted!
AQUARIUS
Today's a good day to learn more about yourself. Hire a private detective to follow you around and give you a full report on how you spend your time. But be sure to tell the detective to be discreet so you won't suspect that you're being followed.
PISCES
You need to bring more harmony into your family life. Invite a barbershop quartet to move into your guest room.
VIRGO
A very special message for all of you who heard yesterday's horoscope and spent the day walking around town saying, "R-O-S-E-S, R-O-S-E-S": There was a typographical error in your horoscope. It should have read, "Today's a good day to stop and smell the roses."
LIBRA
Today you will learn that impulsive thinking can be dangerous. You will develop a severe charley horse while jumping to a conclusion.
SCORPIO
Today you will be challenged to a fight by a person who recently was selected as having the hairiest knuckles in the state of Texas. The stars indicate you should play it smart and refuse to fight her.
SAGITTARIUS
[TWO-PERSON HOROSCOPE; USE WITH YOUR NEWSPERSON]
Well, [NEWSPERSON], according to your horoscope there is both good news and bad news in store for you today. The good news is that although it will be completely stripped by the time they find it, the police will recover your stolen car.
[NEWSPERSON: But my car hasn't been stolen ...]
Ah ... that brings us to the bad news ...
CAPRICORN
Today will bring you disappointment in romance. You will discover that your spouse has willed your body to science ... effective immediately.
AQUARIUS
Your attempts to insure financial security are to be commended, but all signs indicate there is not now — nor will there ever be — a substantial collectible market for the cotton balls that come in aspirin bottles.
PISCES
Your best friend will ask you to read his autobiography, and you'll be expected to give him plenty of bio-feedback. Your bio-rhythm for today will be a tango.
AIRES
Today you will discover important new evidence proving the existence of Bigfoot when you find a 36-foot shoelace in your backyard.
TAURUS
Today you will fall in love with a tall, dark and weird stranger. You will first notice him standing on a street corner, twirling his stylish moustache ... over his head.
GEMINI
Today's a good day to get involved in social concerns. To protest the high incidence of teenage rowdyism, organize a barrier to prevent any more youngsters from entering puberty.
LEO
Today is not a particularly good day for you. You will injure your shoulder while reaching for the gusto in life.
VIRGO
Today is a good day to reorder your priorities. In fact, when you reorder, I think you should call the factory personally and tell them if they don't hurry up and send them to you, you're going to have to start ordering your priorities from someone else.
CANCER
Remember, frequent and regular breathing is almost essential to good health.
LIBRA
That new person you've been dating is trying to impress you falsely with his knowledge of culture. Take, for instance, his claim that he went to the opera last weekend. The stars indicate that no matter what he says, Verdi never wrote an opera based on "The Beverly Hillbillies."
SCORPIO
It's about time you entertained some new thoughts. Serve them a few drinks and show them slides of your summer vacation.
CAPRICORN
Musical persuits will lead to health problems today. Your lips will have a nervous breakdown when you attempt to play "Flight Of The Bumblebee" on a kazoo.
ARIES
Your sun is in its third house, and your moon has stepped out for a few minutes to get a beer.
SAGITTARIUS
As for your chances at succeeding in your daring new plan to drastically change your life, all systems are "go" — except, of course, for those that aren't. Therefore, you can expect to succeed in all attempts, with the exceptions of those at which you fail.
AQUARIUS
Today's a good day to show the world that you refuse to do things in a conventional way. Demonstrate this by water skiing upside down.
PISCES
This promises to be an extremely boring day for you. Not only will nothing happen today — to make matters worse, it'll happen very slowly.
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