TOPICAL HUMOR
by Dan O'Day

Headline: CRITICS: BUSH HASN'T MADE CASE YET Members of Congress said Sunday that President Bush has not yet made his case for an invasion of Iraq. Comment: "We haven't been visited by even a single lobbyist carrying a bag of cash," remarked one Congressional leader. "How important can this issue be?" Headline: 14 DIE, 69 HURT IN COLOMBIA BLASTS Comment: Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon blamed Spanish-speaking Palestinian terrorists. Headline: U.S. DENIED ACCESS TO SAUDI BASES The AP reports: Saudi Arabia will not give the United States access to bases in the kingdom for an attack on Saddam Hussein, but the foreign minister said the 70-year-old U.S.-Saudi alliance was just as solid now as before the Sept. 11 terror attacks on the United States. Comment: In other words, if we keep giving them money, they'll keep selling us oil. Headline: GRAND JURY INDICTS IMCLONE'S WAKSAL According to the Associated Press: A federal grand jury has indicted ImClone Systems Inc. founder and former chief executive Samuel Waksal in an insider trading scandal that has tarnished Martha Stewart and her home fashion empire. The indictment, filed in federal court in Manhattan, brings new charges of obstruction of justice and bank fraud against Waksal in addition to previous securities fraud and perjury charges. Comment: Martha Stewart was unavailable for comment. According to a spokesperson, she was too busy proofing the galleys on her new book, "1001 Fun, Creative Ways To Decorate A Prison Cell." Headline: BASEBALL PLAYERS O.K. STEROIDS TEST Comment: Cool. Although I don't quite understand the explanation that such testing is necessary for the FBI's war on terrorism. Headline: STUDY: BENEFIT OF TREES MISJUDGED The AP reports: Scientists have overestimated the potential of trees and shrubs to soak up carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, according to a new study. The reassessment casts doubt on whether planting trees is always a positive step in the fight against global warming, as President Bush and others have suggested. Comment: SEE?? Everyone laughed when I said trees are our biggest enemy, but no one's laughing now! And this is only the beginning. Wait 'till the Justice Department reviews the documents I sent them proving that trees were behind the entire Enron debacle! Comment: Those damn kite-stealing, leaf-dropping no-goodniks! Headline: BASEBALL PROJECTS $220 MILLION LOSS Comment: ...after the Giants were forced to restate their earnings for this year, upon an auditor's discovery that they'd been claiming Barry Bonds' projected home runs for the next seven years as current earnings. Headline: HORMONE FINDING MAY AID WEIGHT LOSS Scientists have isolated a hormone that makes us feel full when we eat. Comment: Even more promising in depressing the human appetite is a hormone which, when injected, makes us visualize Rosie O'Donnell naked. Headline: BUSH RENEWS PLEDGE TO FIGHT FRAUD Comment: Y'know:  Fraudulent I.D.s used by underage presidential daughters ... Fraudulent prescriptions by presidential nieces.... Headline: FEDS MISSING WEAPONS, LAPTOPS According to the Associated Press: "The Justice Department has lost track of 775 weapons and 400 laptop computers, more than half of which may have contained national security or sensitive law enforcement information ... Some Justice Department officials attributed much of the problem to faulty paperwork." Comment: ...while others dismissed the missing weapons and computers as a "non-story," saying they simply "followed the standard accounting procedures used at the time." Attorney General John Ashcroft, meanwhile, has announced he'll have the entire matter thoroughly investigated by the Justice Department's trusted accounting firm, Arthur Andersen. Headline: GUN TURRET OF CIVIL WAR SHIP RAISED The AP reports: "The coral-encrusted gun turret of the Civil War ironclad USS Monitor was raised from the floor of the Atlantic, nearly 140 years after the historic warship sank during a storm." Comment: Adding to the salvage crew's thrill was the unexpected discovery of a Confederate sailor's dog tags, which somehow had become lodged in the enemy Union ship's turrets. "I thought I'd never see those again," cried an obviously emotional Jesse Helms. Headline: FLORIDA JUDGE STRIKES DOWN VOUCHER LAW According to the Associated Press: " Just weeks before the start of the school year, a judge struck down Florida's voucher law, saying the state constitution forbids the use of tax money to send youngsters to religious schools." Comment: Hours later, the embarrassed judge reversed his decision. "I thought I was just voting for Pat Buchanan. Who the heck designed these forms, anyway?" he muttered. Headline: BUSH SEES HOPE FROM MINERS' RESCUE Commenting on the nine rescued Pennsylvania coal miners, President Bush said, "There are nine lives here to testify that we're some of the best at rescuing our fellow citizens." Comment: To which several of the rescued miners replied, "What do you mean, 'We'?" Comment: When one of the rescued miners asked the President to support health insurance for all Americans to protect them in the event of other such disasters, the President chuckled and responded, "Hey, if you can't afford health insurance, you shouldn't be working in a coal mine, silly!" More on that story: "White House employees kept the miners away from reporters, saying that the TV movie deal they signed last week with The Walt Disney Co., for $150,000 apiece, forbids them from speaking to the news media." Comment: ...which explains why some of his critics have complained of Bush's "Mickey Mouse Presidency." (I've just gotta ask: Is it really the White House's job to protect The Walt Disney Company's movie rights??) Headline: BUSH REVIEWS IRAQ ATTACK OPTIONS Comment: At press time, the President found himself having to defend his idea of toppling Saddam Hussein with a surprise "noogie attack." Headline: BUSH PLANS MISSING CHILDREN MEETING Comment: Do we really need to point out the joke there...? Headline: RUMSFELD WANTS TRAINING IN MANHUNTS Comment: "And I'd also like to have some of those cool paintball fights, my own pony, and a rocket ship that really goes 'way up in the air," said the U.S. Defense Secretary. Headline: ADVISOR SPOTLIGHTS SOCIAL SECURITY The AP reports: "Democratic House candidates are being advised to keep pressure on Republicans on the issue of Social Security in a memo from top party strategists. 'The stakes are high,' said the memo..." Comment: ...apparently referring to the importance of distracting voters from the fact that the single best presidential candidate they came up with last time was Al Gore. Headline: BUSH ADMIN. DEFENDS AL-QAIDA REVIEW According to the Associated Press: "Bush administration officials say they moved as quickly as possible to assemble a plan for eliminating the al-Qaida terror network, defending a review that took eight months and was completed only a week before the Sept. 11 attacks. The Clinton administration had handed off to the incoming Bush team detailed assessments of the threat, and offered ideas on how to counter al-Qaida." Comment: An administration spokesman told reporters, "Hey, we finished our anti-terrorist plan an entire week BEFORE the terrorists attacked us. What more do you want??" Headline: LIEBERMAN DIFFERS WITH GORE'S THEME Former Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman says the theme of Al Gore's presidential campaign was a mistake. Comment: Sure, NOW it's easy to second-guess. But at the time, "Vote for me; I can't be as boring as I look" seemed like a sure winner. Headline: DASCHLE, LOTT OPPOSE POLYGRAPHS Comment: The Democratic and Republican Senate leaders explained that while they still believe all Americans must make sacrifices in the War Against Terror, the right to lie with impunity is one freedom the U.S. Senate is NOT willing to give up. Headline: BUSH CALLS FOR HELP AGAINST TERROR Comment: "He can build all the coalitions he wants," replied Adam Sandler. "I'm still going to keep making movies!" Headline: SENATE: SECURITY, ECONOMY TO TOP AGENDA Comment: Translation: After lining up enough corporate campaign contributions to assure their own job security in the next election, U.S. senators promise to see if they can figure out what the heck's going on with the rest of this country. Headline: LAWMAKERS WANT NOTICE BEFORE IRAQ WAR Comment: U.S. Senator Orrin Hatch explained, "If we are going to send thousands of American sons and daughters off to die, we want enough advance notice so we can pass a law that WILL allow gays into the military." Headline: BOLIVIA PICKS SANCHEZ DE LOZADA AS PRESIDENT Comment: When asked to comment, President Bush declared, "We applaud the free election made by the Bolivian people, assuming that this Sanchez guy doesn't get in the way of our selling whatever it is we sell to his country, whererever that is." Headline: EMBATTLED HALLIBURTON UNIT GETS BID According to the Associated Press: Since Dick Cheney became vice president, a subsidiary of his former company was chosen the exclusive contractor for overseas Army troop support and Navy construction despite being under federal investigation for fraud....The Navy contract went to the Halliburton Co. subsidiary, Brown & Root Services, despite a recommendation from the auditing arm of Congress that new bids be solicited for the construction contract. That recommendation was ignored." Comment: The Navy has denied any inpropriety in awarding the $300 million contract. "Heck, we're too busy defending our country. We didn't even know Cheney was Vice-President," declared a Navy spokesperson. Headline: DEAD ARMY WIVES WANTED DIVORCE Four Army wives who investigators say were killed by their husbands all wanted to get out of their marriages, a newspaper reported. The deaths at Fort Bragg in June and July have prompted post officials to promise a review that will include how the military deals with marital problems. Comment: U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld immediately called for a new "Don't Ask, Don't Kill" policy for all enlisted men. MORNING RADIO II: Turning The Science Into Art by Tracy Johnson Morning Radio II picks up where Morning Radio left off! Packed with ideas for your show, complete with explanations of the keys to making any idea successful. You not only get the what, but also the how, when, where and why! This 408-page book guides you through eight major ways to win the morning show war! • Click here for more info or to order! ©2002 Dan O'Day. For one-time, LOCAL on-air use by visitors to this page only; all other forms of reproduction are strictly prohibited.