TOPICAL HUMOR
by Dan O'Day

Headline: BUSH DEMANDS BROAD HOMELAND POWERS The AP reports: President Bush has demanded broad authority to oversee the new Homeland Security Department. "I don't want our hands tied so we cannot do the number one job you expect, which is to protect the homeland," Bush said. Comment: So...The actual headline for this story should be, "Bush says he can't do Number One with his hands tied." More: Bush made his comments at the base of Mount Rushmore. I found it particularly inspiring when he departed from the script his speechwriters provided him and ad-libbed, "As we stand here in the shadows of these ancient gods of Greek mythology...." Headline: SENATE MAJORITY LEADER TOM DASCHLE APPLAUDS PRESIDENT BUSH'S ENDORSEMENT OF ETHANOL AS A FUEL SOURCE. Ethanol can be made from corn, and Daschle's home state of South Dakota grows lots of corn. Comment: Bush acknowledged Daschle's gratitude and added, "Hey, just make sure there's plenty to go around for my daughters." Headline: GENERAL: AFGHAN STAY WILL BE LONG In an Associated Press report: The United States is likely to keep troops in Afghanistan for many years to guard against it becoming a haven for terrorists again, Army General Tommy Franks said. Comment: Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned American style of war...where we send in Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger and the whole mess is cleaned up in a couple of hours? Headline: FLOODS DISRUPT INDIA'S NORTHEAST Headline: DRESDEN RESIDENTS FIGHT FLOODING Comment: I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think we'd all better find out out once and for all exactly what a "cubit" is. (Yes, I'm copping a theme from an old Bill Cosby album.) Headline: FAMILIES SUE SAUDIS, BANKS From the Associated Press: Some 600 family members of Sept. 11 victims have filed a trillion-dollar federal lawsuit against Saudi officials, banks and charities, charging they financed Osama bin Laden's network and the attacks on New York and Washington. Comment: That's one small step toward helping the victims' families cope with their grief...and one giant leap for Court TV. Headline: SADDAM HUSSEIN RE-NOMINATED FOR ANOTHER TERM AS IRAQI PRESIDENT Comment: Damn! When will I ever learn not to bet on party elections?? Headline: U.S. NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER CONDOLEEZZA RICE CALLS SADDAM AN EVIL MAN Comment: ...thereby causing Mattel to cancel its order for 500,000 Saddam Hussein Cuddly Christmas toys. Comment: ....and forcing ABC to suspend production of its Saturday morning animated series, "Saddam, the Wacky Iraqi." Headline: WHITE HOUSE SURPRISED BY FOX SNUB The AP reports: The White House put the brightest face it could on Mexican President Vicente Fox's snub of an invitation to President Bush's Texas ranch, emphasizing what it said are strong ties between the two countries. White House spokesman Jimmy Orr said Bush "respects President Fox and the two have an excellent professional relationship and a strong friendship that reflects the deep bonds between their two countries." Comment: And President Bush added, "I hope you media people don't go making something out of this, because Mexico always has been and always will be one of America's most important Asian allies." Headline: SUIT AIMS TO KEEP HARRIS OFF BALLOT According to the Associated Press: Katherine Harris' opponent in the Republican primary for a Florida congressional seat has sued to have the former secretary of state kicked off the ballot. The lawsuit argues Harris should be removed from the ballot because she violated a state law that required her to file a letter of intent to resign as secretary of state when she qualified to run for Congress. In her defense, Harris said she had misunderstood the resignation letter rules. Comment: Hey, I'm no fan of Katherine Harris. But based upon her actions during the 2000 presidential election -- which she defended by saying she didn't really understand Florida's voting procedures because she had "delegated" those responsibilities to subordinates...and now based on her violating a very simple state law because she "didn't understand it"....I've gotta say that I DO believe she's dumb enough to be in Congress. Headline: WASHINGTON D.C. POLICE SEEK ISRAELI ADVICE ON DEALING PREVENTING TERRORIST ATTACKS Comment: Israel's first piece of advice: Occupy Maryland Headline: BUSH: 'TIMES ARE KIND OF TOUGH' The AP reports: President Bush said that "times are kind of tough" as workers, investors and business leaders poured out their anxieties at an economic forum about lost jobs, falling stock prices and the spread of corporate corruption. Comment: And in other news, Vice President Cheney revealed that "it's kind of hot this time of year," while Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld boldly declared, "How about those Yankees?" Headline: LAW: I DIDN'T CHECK ABUSE COMPLAINT From Boston via the Associated Press: The personnel file of a priest accused of child rape contained sexual abuse complaints dating to 1966, but Cardinal Bernard Law never looked at the file before promoting him, according to transcripts of Law's deposition. As he has in the past, Law said repeatedly that he relied on the recommendations of subordinates and scattered church records in deciding whether to return priests to parish work even after receiving sexual abuse allegations against them. Comment: "Perhaps the greatest responsibility of a Cardinal is avoiding responsibility, and I've always taken that responsibility very seriously," he said. Headline: BOXING PROMOTER ESCAPES FIERY CRASH In an Associated Press report from L.A.: A small jet carrying boxing promoter Bob Arum and six others overshot a mountain airport runway and crash-landed in a dry pond as its wings caught fire. Everyone escaped safely. Comment: At press time, police refused to comment on reports of seeing Don King racing away from the scene in a white Bronco. Headline: IRAQI: WEAPONS INSPECTORS NOT NEEDED According to the Associated Press: A senior Iraqi official said there is no need for U.N. weapons inspectors to return to Baghdad and branded as a "lie" allegations that Saddam Hussein still has weapons of mass destruction. Iraq's information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, said Iraqi opposition leaders who met with key American officials in Washington last week were "bats ... and a bad American product." He called American courting of the opposition figures "a stupid game that reflects their (U.S.) bankruptcy." Comment: Wait a minute. They can mock our beliefs. They can condemn our society. But are they actually criticizing...Baseball?? Hand me down my firearm, Martha; we're going to war! Headline: U.S. TO BEGIN FINGERPRINTING ALIENS Comment: Starting, presumably, with Michael Jackson. Comment: Wait a minute! How the heck are we supposed to pay the costs of fingerprinting every single non-American in the world?? I mean, forget about the manpower costs and the staggering travel costs that would require. We must be talking about trillions of dollars just for the ink alone! Headline: IMCLONE FOUNDER PLEADS INNOCENT The AP reports: ImClone Systems Inc. founder and former chief executive Samuel Waksal pleaded innocent to insider trading and fraud charges.... Comment: Hey, everybody's entitled to his day in court. But frankly, I'm skeptical of Waksal's alibi: The insider trading and fraud actually were committed by a bushy-haired, one-armed man. Topical Humor archives. MORNING RADIO II: Turning The Science Into Art by Tracy Johnson Morning Radio II picks up where Morning Radio left off! Packed with ideas for your show, complete with explanations of the keys to making any idea successful. You not only get the what, but also the how, when, where and why! This 408-page book guides you through eight major ways to win the morning show war! • Click here for more info or to order! ©2002 Dan O'Day. For one-time, LOCAL on-air use by visitors to this page only; all other forms of reproduction are strictly prohibited.