TOPICAL HUMOR
by Dan O'Day

Headline: BASEBALL AVERTS STRIKE, SAVES SEASON Comment: Thereby guaranteeing no interruptions in our nation's endless fascination with watching multi-millionaires scratch themselves on TV. Headline: COLORADO REPRESENTATIVES DISLIKE 9-11 SPEAKER According to the Associated Press: Conservative lawmakers are demanding that a college cancel the appearance of a Palestinian leader at a conference marking the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, but the school has refused. Colorado College invited Palestinian leader Hanan Ashrawi to debate Israeli political adviser Gideon Doron at the three-day conference beginning on the anniversary. The debate is scheduled for Sept. 12. Comment: The conservative lawmakers rejected charges that they were interfering with free speech and suggested that the college simply change the agenda so that it features a debate between two Israeli political advisers. Headline: TENNESSEE REPRESENTATIVE RONNIE DAVIS INDICTED The AP reports: Tennessee State Rep. Ronnie Davis was arrested on federal conspiracy charges in an alleged scheme to get diplomatic passports for people who did not qualify for them. Comment: NOTE TO ALL YOU CUB REPORTERS OUT THERE: "Politician gets indicted" is NOT news. "Politician never caught cheating, lying, or breaking the law" IS news. Or at least it WOULD be, should it ever happen. Comment: In a related development, two Michigan legislators were indicted for allegedly supplying campaign donors with forged backstage passes for the Eminem concert tour. Headline: DEMOCRATS SPEND $28 MILLION ON HEADQUARTERS UPGRADE Comment: ...$19 million of which was used to purchase the newest state-of-the-art Demographic Population Survey Computer, in an effort to locate a viable presidential candidate for 2004. Headline: AIRLINES STOP BAGGAGE QUESTIONS According to the Associated Press: Airline passengers will no longer be asked the routine security questions about whether they have kept a close eye on their baggage. Ticket agents have been required for the past 16 years to ask passengers two questions: "Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry an item on this flight?" and "Have any of the items you are traveling with been out of your immediate control since the time you packed them?" The questions are being phased out because they create a hassle and have never prevented a bombing or hijacking, said James Loy, head of the Transportation Security Administration. Comment: ...apparently implying that randomly pulling aside weary travellers just as they're about to board the aircraft and subjecting them to 20-minute interrogations HAS prevented a bombing or hijacking. Comment: Loy explained those questions will be replaced by two others that are designed to subtly ferret out potential hijackers and bombers: "Do you plan to hijack or blow up this flight?" and "So, how about that Osama Bin Laden guy??" Headline: BUSH BREAKS FUND-RAISING RECORD President Bush has set a new record for presidential fundraising, as the amount of cash he's raised for the Republican party this year reaches nearly $110 million. His predecessor, President Clinton, was criticized for inviting campaign contributors to sleep at the White House...especially by conservative radio talk show hosts who condemned Clinton for "selling the White House." Comment: Upon learning that Bush has continued the practice of granting White House access to wealthy donors, right-wing talk show hosts all across America had this to say: "                                    " Headline: TRAFICANT TO STAY ON BALLOT The AP reports: Former Rep. James A. Traficant Jr. will stay on the Nov. 5 election ballot, even though he has been expelled from the House and is housed in federal prison. The nine-term congressman was expelled from the House last month and sentenced to eight years in prison for bribery, racketeering and tax evasion. Currently he is an inmate at the minimum-security Allenwood federal prison in White Deer, Pa. Comment: In a press release, Traficant announced that if elected, he will invite his biggest campaign donors to spend the night at the prison as his guest. Headline: 'N SYNC SINGER GETS NASA APPROVAL NASA has endorsed 'N Sync singer Lance Bass' bid to fly to the international space station this fall.... Comment: ....which is a real slap in the face of the millions of Americans who have pleaded for years for SOMEONE to get Kathie Lee Gifford off this planet. Headline: WHITE HOUSE WANTS PARDON SECRECY The AP reports: The Bush administration argued in court papers that documents related to controversial pardons made by former President Clinton should be withheld from the public to protect the privacy of the pardon-seekers and the president's right to receive confidential advice. "The president is entitled to receive confidential advice and candid assessments from government attorneys," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. Comment: McClellan went on to add that the secrecy accorded the pardons Clinton handed out also can be expected to apply to President Bush's upcoming pardon of Vice President Dick Cheney for his allegedly fraudulent accounting practices at Halliburton Company. Headline: BUSH NOT BEATING 'WAR DRUMS' According to the Associated Press: Trying to blunt an Iraqi diplomatic offensive that appears to be gaining ground, the Bush administration is telling friends and allies around the world it is not "beating the war drums" for an attack on Iraq. Despite rising rhetoric from Vice President Dick Cheney and other senior officials, President Bush has not decided how to try to remove President Saddam Hussein, State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said. Comment: Boucher went on to say the President has narrowed down his options for removing Saddam to invading Iraq...and challenging him to a winner-takes-all horseshoe pitching match in Kennebunkport. Headline: BUDGET DEFICIT PROJECTIONS WORSEN (AP) - The federal government's budget will slide into the red for four years, government analysts said. The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said that surpluses like the $237 billion recorded the last year of President Clinton's tenure won't resume until President Bush's tax cuts expire in 2010. Comment: President Bush, meanwhile, reminded voters that his tax cuts have nothing to do with the new deficit, and that it's all Clinton's fault. Headline: COMET-CHASING CRAFT APPEARS LOST From the Associated Press: There is little hope of salvaging a $159 million comet-chasing spacecraft that broke apart Aug. 15, scientists said in announcing they seek to launch a replacement as early as 2006. The Contour spacecraft has been silent since it left Earth orbit to embark on a multiyear mission to visit at least two comets. Comment: An embarrassed NASA spokesperson was quoted as saying, "In hindsight, I guess maybe we should've gone ahead and spent the extra $500 to have Lojack installed." Headline: CAFFEINE LOWERS CANCER RISK IN MICE The AP reports: Caffeine, the chemical stimulant in coffee and tea, has been found to lower the risk of skin cancer in laboratory mice. Comment: I can see where this is leading, and I cannot stress this enough: Please, please, do NOT take this news to mean that you should stop applying sun screen to your pet mice! Comment: As a result, the authors of the study are urging Congress to provide ongoing subsidies to enable mice to afford to patronize Starbucks. Headline: (AP) Afghanistan's foreign minister believes most al-Qaida and Taliban fugitives, including Osama bin Laden and Mullah Mohammed Omar, are in hiding across the border in northwest Pakistan. Comment: Reliable sources suspect the others are among the cast members of the TV show, "Reba"...but have been unable to locate any witnesses who've actually seen that program. Headline: (AP) One in every 32 adults in the United States was behind bars or on probation or parole by the end of last year, according to a government report that found a record 6.6 million people in the nation's correctional system. Comment: That ratio drops to one out of every 300 adults, however, when you don't include professional athletes and politicians. Headline: STEWART GIVES INFO TO HOUSE PANEL The AP reports: Lawyers for domestic marketing powerhouse Martha Stewart handed over more than a thousand pages of e-mail and phone records to a House investigative panel examining her sale of ImClone stock. Comment: 997 of those pages consisted of e-mails that began with either "Make Big Internet Profits From Home!" or "The Best in Internet Porn!!!!!" Headline: AIRPORTS SEEK BAG SCREENING DELAY From the Associated Press: Managers of 133 airports that handle three-fourths of the nation's air travelers asked the Senate to extend the year-end deadline for screening all luggage for bombs. The airport managers signed a letter saying the Transportation Security Administration can't buy, install and operate the baggage-screening equipment by the cutoff date without creating major air traffic problems. Comment: In a related story, airport security officials who have passengers remove their shoes for inspection have petitioned Congress to have my foot odor declared a "biological weapon." Headline: KMART ELIMINATING NEARLY 700 JOBS Comment: Thereby producing a labor glut of people whose primary job training consists of saying, "I dunno, maybe try Aisle 7." Headline: BUSH CONSIDERS IRAQ SOLUTIONS Comment: Inside sources he's narrowed down the possible solutions to... Praying Negotiating Visualizing Peace Adopting a "Live and Let Live" attitude Bombing the hell out of every living soul in Iraq Headline: BUSH PLEDGES TO BALANCE BUDGET Comment: The President inherited a federal budget SURPLUS of $230 billion from the Clinton administration. At the moment, the Congressional Budget Office is predicting a budget DEFICIT this year of $157 billion. President Bush remarked, "Hey, I was able to make that surplus disappear. Who is more qualified than me to bring it back?" Headline: NEW YORK TIMES TO RUN SAME-SEX NOTICES From the Associated Press: The New York Times plans to begin publishing announcements of gay and lesbian commitment ceremonies along with its wedding announcements. Comment: They will continue, however, to report "Lost Dogs" and "Lost Cats" on separate pages. Topical Humor archives. 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