TOPICAL HUMOR
by Dan O'Day & friends

Headline: IRAQ DENIES SEEKING NUCLEAR MATERIALS Comment: A spokesman for Saddam Hussein insists Iraq is importing more industrial equipment NOT to enrich uranium for use in nuclear weapons but, instead, to reclaim that country's former position as the world leader in the production of Silly Putty. Headline: ARAFAT TO CONDEMN SUICIDE BOMBINGS Yasser Arafat is asking a key meeting of the Palestinian parliament to outlaw suicide bombing and reaffirm the Palestinian commitment to peace with Israel, according to a draft copy of the Palestinian leader's speech obtained by the Associated Press. Comment: Informed sources say Arafat will insist that all successful suicide bombers "should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." Comment: ...which I guess means they'll be catered by only a couple of dozen virgins in Heaven, instead of the 72 they've been told to expect as their reward. Headline: CHENEY DEFENDS HIS PERFORMANCE AS HALLIBURTON CEO Vice President Dick Cheney told "Meet the Press" that he did a perfectly good job managing Halliburton Company, whose stock has dropped by 74% since Cheney cashed in his options for $40 million just two years ago. He said he "assumed" Halliburton's insurance company would shield it against hundreds of millions of dollars of asbestos-related claims. Cheney also blamed the company's problems on "plaintiff's lawyers." Comment: ....Reiterating once again that lawyers should be allowed ONLY to protect really rich people when they're caught breaking the law. Comment: In addition to "plaintiff's lawyers," Cheney blamed the company's problems on "liberals, Democrats, feminists, environmentalists, abortion rights activists, homosexuals, atheists, Bill Clinton, and proponents of the metric system." Headline: UNITED AIRLINES CHOOSES NEW CEO According to the Associated Press: Glenn Tilton, the 54-year-old vice chairman of ChevronTexaco and acting chairman of struggling Dynegy, has emerged as the new Chief Executive Officer of United Airlines. Comment: Tilton became the choice for the job after it was turned down by United's first choice, St. Jude. (Y'see, St. Jude is the Patron of Lost Causes....) Comment: Patron Saint Trivia: Who is the most overworked patron saint these days? Easy: St. Matthew -- the patron saint of accountants, bankers, and bookkeepers. Headline: FRENCH MAY BAN LATE-NIGHT PORN The AP reports: For nearly two decades Canal Plus has been France's Saturday night naughtiness: no-holds-barred pornography, beamed to TV sets in millions of homes across the land. But regulators and others say the increasing amount of such shows threatens the moral and mental well-being of young people. Comment: Unfortunately, the government's proposed replacement for the late-porn could have an even worse effect on the country's mental health. In keeping with France's long-held admiration for his work, they're considering replacing Canal Plus with a 24-hour Jerry Lewis channel. Comment: Hey, wanna do some good for French culture? Replace the porn channel with a channel devoted to teaching French people to pick up after their damn dogs! (Sorry, I've got issues.) Headline: PRIESTS ADMONISHED IN ABUSE CASE According to the Associated Press: Two priests have been disciplined for not telling the Bridgeport, Connecticut Roman Catholic Diocese that they knew the location of a former clergyman who had been accused of sexual abuse. The Revs. David Howell of Norwalk and Gerald Devore of Stamford admitted to diocesan officials that they knew former priest Laurence Brett was living on the Caribbean island of St. Maarten, the diocese said. The diocese says the two priests violated its sexual misconduct policy and its mandated reporting of information that could protect children. Comment: Obviously the priests felt they had to obey a higher authority -- the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Squeal. Headline: SENATOR HAGEL CAUTIONS ON IRAQ ATTACK The Bush administration is continuing to hear appeals that it not rush headlong into an attack on Iraq. Republican senator Chuck Hagel of Nebraska said it's clear that Saddam Hussein is a threat to the region and to the United States, but he said that's not the only issue. He told ABC the administration needs to think about the consequences - whether the region would be destabilized, and who would replace Saddam. Comment: A White House spokesman replied that ideally Saddam would be replaced by a tribunal that would act according to President Bush's own political and social beliefs. But when asked, William Rehnquist said the U.S. Supreme Court has no desire to move to Baghdad. Headline: CANDIDATE LIED ABOUT DEGREE The AP reports: A Democratic congressional hopeful was once fired from a job as a college security guard for lying about his background and was sued by a landlady for repeatedly not paying rent on an office, court records show. Mike Miller, who runs a tax-preparation and lawn service business in Lewes, Delaware, is running against Wilmington lawyer Steve Biener in the Sept. 7 Democratic primary. Comment: I'm confused. Explain to me the part about why he's not qualified to be a politician? Comment: He runs a tax-preparation service AND a lawn service business? Talk about your modern day Renaissance man! Comment: He's got to be the only candidate ever to run on a pledge to "Cut Your Taxes & Trim Your Hedges." Topical Humor archives. SAVE BIG ON THIS MORNING SHOW/COMEDY PACKAGE COMEDY PRODUCTION DISCS GOLD PACKAGE Save a WHOPPING $97 when you buy these four MORNING SHOW COMEDY/PRODUCTION COMEDY essentials! DORK-A-PELLAS DORK-A-PELLAS, VOLUME TOO! 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