Headline: EX-FBI CHIEF REJECTS 9/11 CRITICISM
The Associated Press reports that, rejecting accusations that the FBI was lax in fighting terrorism before the Sept. 11 attacks, former director Louis Freeh told a congressional panel that he has seen no evidence that the FBI and intelligence agencies could have prevented the attacks.
Comment: Actually, that's kind of the point, isn't it? That he never saw the evidence?
Headline: NOELLE BUSH'S LAWYER TRIES TO KEEP HER COURT PROCEEDINGS SECRET
According to the Associated Press, an attorney for Gov. Jeb Bush's only daughter asked a judge to close her drug court proceedings, arguing that she has a right to privacy while under that court's supervision. Noelle Bush was arrested last January for buying an anti-anxiety drug with a fraudulent prescription. She sought treatment through a drug court but could face criminal charges if she fails the treatment. Speaking to reporters in Tallahassee, Gov. Jeb Bush said drug courts should be protected from public scrutiny.
Comment: Governor Bush explained that he does not think his daughter should receive special treatment and that he has long maintained a strong belief that drug courts should be private. It's just that he's been so doggone busy for his entire adult life that he's never mentioned it before.
Headline: PROBE SHOWS NAVY CREDIT CARD ABUSE
According to the Associated Press, Navy personnel bought jewelry, attended ball games and even hired prostitutes at Nevada brothels with government funds, congressional investigators have found in the latest examples of abuses in the Pentagon credit card program.
Comment: How many times do we have to explain this? Members of the armed forces are NOT allowed to use taxpayer funds for their own personal pleasure. That right is reserved for elected officials.
Headline: MASS YODELING WORLD RECORD
Reuters reports that a band of 937 yodelers set a new world record for "largest simultaneous yodel" by holding their melody for a full minute, the organizer of the mass concert in southern Germany said. Most participants were Germans who had been studying yodeling on training courses for months, but some Swiss yodelers helped out, said Stefanie Stiefenhofer, spokeswoman for the Ravensburger Amusement Park.
Comment: You know, with all the terrible problems and tragedies facing the world today, it's a news story like this one that just makes you want to go kill yourself. [NOTE: If you say that, it's possible one of your listeners will get upset that you joked about suicide. Make sure that joke is okay for your station & audience BEFORE you say it.]
Headline: CRIME-FIGHTING SUPER GRANNY IS A FRAUD
Reuters reports that a Greek grandmother, dubbed "super granny" after claiming she had put two knife-wielding burglars to flight, turned out to be a fraud when police said she had made up the tale to get her husband's attention. Sixty-six year old Maria Grepsiou became an instant heroine when she said Saturday that she had disarmed one man and stabbed him with his knife after he and an accomplice broke into her home near Serres in northern Greece.
"There were no robbers, there was no burglary or stabbing," a Serres police official told reporters. "The woman had made it all up because she wanted to convince her husband to spend more time with her at home," he said.
Comment: Oh, no. Does that mean she ALSO didn't really defeat The Green Goblin??
Headline: NEEDLES BLUR IN SPEED CROCHET STITCH-OFF
Reuters reports that fast fingers and 32 years of practice gave American Lily Chin an unofficial world title on Sunday -- queen of the speed crochet circuit. In a duel of flashing needles and whirring wool, Chin, 40, beat her British rival Susan Broscoe to win the first national U.S. speed crochet contest in New York.
Comment: Speed Crocheting? Do I hear someone thinking, "ESPN III???"
Comment: This just in: Lily Chin has been forced to give up her unofficial title after having tested positive for steroids.
Headline: DOCTORS ADVISED TO STOP INTERRUPTING AND LISTEN
Reuters reports that doctors should keep quiet and let patients explain their
problems instead of interrupting them, according to Swiss scientists. Dr.
Wolf Langewitz of University Hospital in Basle says that most patients
can explain what is wrong with them in less than two minutes. But
research from the United States has shown that doctors usually start
talking after about 22 seconds.
[Note: The painfully obvious gag here is to relate this story to your
listeners, then turn to a telephone interview with a doctor to discuss
these findings ... only to have the doctor continually interrupt the host
before the host can manage to finish a single question.]
Headline: BANK ASKS ROBBERS TO DOFF MASKS
The Associated Press reports that, to reduce crime, banks the Springfield, Missouri area are trying to unmask robbers
before they come in. Seeking to stem a rise in robberies, several
financial institutions will post polite signs
asking visitors to doff their hat and sunglasses as they enter. The goal
is to get customers - and the criminal-minded who might be moving among
them - to remove items.
Comment: This drastic action follows the surprising failure of their
previous anti-crime tactic: Posting cheerful signs with smiley faces
along with the words, "Please don't rob us!"
Headline: MOUSSAOUI MISTAKENLY GIVEN DOCUMENTS
According to the Associated Press, accused Sept. 11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was
inadvertently given classified FBI interview reports by the government,
and authorities had to go into his cell and recover them. The government initially said two
classified documents were in Moussaoui's possession ... then acknowledged
there were seven ... and THEN finally said there were 48 classified
documents involved.
Comment: Oh, good. An accused terrorist is being prosecuted by Curly,
Moe and Larry.
Comment: Gee, I didn't even know Marcia Clark had JOINED the prosecution
team!
Headline: NEW YORK GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE IN JOB SCANDAL
Here's what apparently happened:
- When he was New York State Comptroller, current Democratic
gubernatorial candidate H. Carl McCall used legal yet sleazy means to
land his daughter a job with Verizon.
- After being on the job for a few years, the daughter was caught
charging her company's credit card for a hundred thousand dollars worth
of her personal bills.
- When she was caught, she repaid Verizon by writing them checks
totalling $97,000.
- Those checks bounced.
- Verizon fired her.
- The district attorney's office decided not to prosecute her for
grand larceny after she repaid $24,000 of the $97,000.
Comment: For once and for all, isn't it about time we passed a
constitutional amendment prohibiting politicians from having children?
MORE ON THIS STORY: And now it's been revealed McCall took advantage of
his official position to try to land a job for a cousin, too.
Comment: Quick lesson in politics, pal: FIRST you get elected governor,
THEN you get jobs for all your relatives. You've gotta play by the rules,
pal (no matter how crooked those rules might be).
Headline: OREGON'S RACIST LANGUAGE FACES VOTE
In November, Oregon voters will decide whether to delete this phrase
from the state's constitution: "No free negro, or mulatto, not residing
in this state at the time of the adoption of this constitution, shall
come, reside, or be within this State, or hold any real estate."
Comment: Meanwhile, we can expect Pat Buchanan to urge all good
Americans to fight against yet another example of "big government"
trampling on "states' rights"....
Headline: DOES SADDAM HAVE THREE DOUBLES??
Reuters reports that a German television network said it had
made a scientific study of 450 photographs of Saddam Hussein in Iraq and
concluded there are at least three doubles posing as the Iraqi president.
Comment: They also claim to have photographs of one of the doubles with
Elvis, and another on the Grassy Knoll.
MORE ON THIS STORY: The ZDF public television network, working with a
German coroner, said it took the photographs and film clips of Saddam
which it had in its archives and used facial recognition technology to
determine that men said to be him were lookalikes. ZDF also quoted a
physician, Muslim Al-Asadi, whom it said has been studying lookalikes for
years. "Between Saddam Hussein and another person who appeared in Iraqi
television I was able to detect five different facial differences between
the original and the double presented by Iraqi television," he was quoted
telling ZDF.
Comment: Hey, I'm not qualified to say if this qualifies as "quack
science;" you be the judge. The five facial differences he spotted are:
- In one picture, he was smiling; in another, he wasn't.
- In one picture Saddam was winking; in the others, he wasn't.
- In one of the photographs, if you look at it from a certain angle
you can see there's some mucous dribbling down one nostril.
- In 30% of the photos, the expert said he could detect a
"mischievous light" in Saddam's eyes; that's not seen in the others.
- One of the photos clearly is Dana Carvey [or Rich Little, if you
prefer] in heavy make-up.
Comment: The same German "expert" insists that the pock marks on
Saddam's face are an exact replica of the canals of Mars.
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