TOPICAL HUMOR
by Dan O'Day

Headline: COLIN POWELL HOPES FOR CONSENSUS ON IRAQ The AP reports that U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell said he hoped the United Nations could forge a consensus on dealing with Iraq. Comment: Earth to Colin Powell: They already HAVE a consensus. Except for the Bush Administration and that guy in England, the entire world agrees we shouldn't be invading Iraq. End of bulletin. Headline: PHILIP MORRIS WON'T APPEAL SECONDHAND SMOKE RULING According to the Associated Press, the Philip Morris Company will not appeal a federal court ruling that let stand a 1993 Environmental Protection Agency report that said second-hand smoke causes cancer. Comment: A spokesperson for the cigarette manufacturer also announced the company no longer contests scientists' claims that the sun rises in the east. Headline: SURGERY TOOLS LEFT IN 1,500 PEOPLE A YEAR According to a new study, surgical teams accidentally leave clamps, sponges and other tools inside about 1,500 patients nationwide each year. Comment: It's upsetting enough to learn the hospital left surgical tools inside you. But then when they have the nerve to CHARGE you for taking those tools home with you.... Headline: SHARPTON SAYS DEMOCRATS NEED HIM TO RUN According to the Associated Press, the Reverend Al Sharpton says it's his duty to run as a Democratic candidate for President in 2004. Massachusetts State Representative Byron Rushin says Sharpton isn't afraid to speak the truth. Comment: Sharpton isn't afraid to speak the truth? Well, you've got to give him credit for being willing to try something new.... Headline: MAN BLAMES RECKLESS DRIVING ON MARTIANS A Frenchman who raced through a motorway road block, triggering a high-speed police car chase that ended in a minor crash, has blamed aliens from Mars for his reckless driving. He told police in Marseille he was being "chased by Martians" when he charged through a road block on the A55 motorway. Comment: A spokesperson for Michael Jackson denies the singer was even in France at the time. Headline: BUSH ADDRESSES IRANIANS ON RADIO President Bush addressed the Iranian people over Radio Farda, offering U.S. friendship and calling on their government to embrace democracy. Comment: In a surprising departure from his prepared remarks, Bush concluded by offering Britney Spears concert tickets to the first ten callers. (Feel free to recreate the audio:) Caller: Oh my Allah! Oh my Allah! I can't believe I won! Bush: So tell me, Omar, who is your FAVORITE evil infidel?? Headline: PRESIDENT BUSH STANDS FIRM ON GIFT OPENING President Bush thinks gifts should never, ever be opened before Christmas morning. Comment: "Except, of course, for Jewish people," he added. "who can open theirs on Christmas Eve." Comment: The President went on to say that if he has reason to believe anyone, anywhere might be planning to open their gifts before Christmas morning, the United States has every right to invade their country and overthrow its government. Headline: ALASKA GOVERNOR APPOINTS DAUGHTER TO SENATE The Associated Press reports that Governor Frank Murkowski has appointed his daughter to replace him in the U.S Senate, saying he wanted the person who succeeded him to share his beliefs in the future of the state. Comment: "After an exhaustive search, we determined that she is the single most qualified person in the state for this job," the governor said. "It was a completely impartial process. In fact, I didn't even realize she was my daughter until after I'd selected her as my successor." Headline: GORE ANNOUNCES HE WON'T RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2004 Comment: ...thereby throwing the Democrat Party into a desperate search for an equally dull, uninspiring, and inept campaigner. Headline: LOTT CONTROVERSY CONTINUES To summarize, Trent Lott says that he was only seven years old when Strom Thurmond ran for President, so he really didn't know what Thurmond's campaign platform was. (Thurmond ran as the candidate of the States Rights Party, which was founded to protest the Truman administration's support of legislation that would extend equal rights to black citizens and would outlaw lynchings.) And he says that when, in 1992, he said the white supremacist group called the Council of Conservative Citizens "stands for the right principles and the right philosophy," he didn't realize what their principles or philosophy actually were. Comment: So let's step back a moment and be fair to Senator Lott: He's NOT too racist to be Senate Majority Leader. He's simply too darned ignorant! Headline: TRENT LOTT CONTROVERSY CONTINUES Comment: Lott has explained that his comments were misunderstood. Apparently when he said the United States would be a lot better off today if it had elected Strom Thurmond President when he ran on a pro-segregation platform in 1948, Lott REALLY was trying to say: "I've always bitterly opposed segregation and am happy that that racist wasn't elected." More Comment: And when in 1992 he gave a keynote address to the Council of Conservative Citizens, which advocates "white supremacy," Lott was quoted as saying "the people in this room stand for the right principles and the right philosophy." Undoubtedly those words were misunderstood, too. Probably he was trying to say, "All men and women are created equal, regardless of race." Or something like that. Headline: PRIESTS ACCUSED OF DRUG USE, SEX ABUSE The Associated Press reports that personnel files maintained by the Boston Archdiocese include allegations that the Rev. Robert Meffan recruited girls in the late 1960s to become nuns and then sexually abused them. Meffan allegedly would tell the girls to perform sexual acts as a way of progressing with their religious studies. He also allegedly participated in sexual acts with four girls at the same time. Meffan told The Boston Globe the allegations in the files were TRUE and that he still believes his sexual relationships with the teenage girls were "beautiful" and "spiritual" and were intended to bring them closer to God. Meffan is quoted as saying, "What I was trying to show them is that Christ is human and you should love him as a human being. I felt that by having this little bit of intimacy with them that this is what it would be like with Christ." Comment: I guess we can file this under "Sleazy," "Reprehensible," and "Finalist for Pick-Up Line of the Year." Headline: U.S. ALLOWS CANDIDATES TO PAY THEMSELVES According to the AP, the Federal Election Commission has agreed to let political candidates pay themselves salaries using campaign donations. Comment: I've got a better idea. How about if we all pitch in and pay certain political candidates NOT to run for office? Headline: POLL: PUBLIC SUPPORTS BUSH, NOT AGENDA According to two new polls, nearly two-thirds of Americans approve of the job done by President Bush, but their enthusiasm doesn't extend to many parts of his agenda. Areas where a majority of Americans think Bush is wrong include: 55 percent oppose drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. (Bush thinks it's a good idea.) 69 percent margin think that the best thing to have done with the budget surplus that has now vanished would have been to use it for programs such as Social Security and Medicarem instead of using it for the tax cuts that Bush used it for. More than 60% said the wealthy have been the biggest beneficiaries of Bush's tax cuts. More than 60% said the government should be doing more to regulate the environment. (Bush wants to do less.) Comment: So they approve of the President's job performance, but they disagree with most of his major policies. That's like saying you like a particular restaurant but dislike its cuisine, food quality, service and decor. Headline: NEW ZEALAND PARLIAMENT BANS KNITTING The Associated Press reports that there will be no knitting in Parliament. Not by government ministers overseeing debates, anyway. The new rule was announced after Associate Commerce Minister Judith Tizard pulled out knitting needles and wool while lawmakers debated a trade bill. As the minister responsible for the law's passage, Tizard was in Parliament to answer questions and debate the bill. Comment: The Parliament still faces votes on whether to allow to allow doodling, day-dreaming, and having sexual fantasies about members of the opposition party. Headline: A Texas businessman was sentenced to life in prison for kidnapping a former partner and holding him hostage for eight days, sometimes handcuffed and in a wooden box, as part of a scheme to recover a stolen rocket-powered flying device. Thomas Laurence Stanley told the judge, "Your Honor, I never imagined that I ever did anything wrong. I was just trying to be persuasive." No comment needed Headline: HORSE CARRYING 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL SHOT According to the AP, an 89-year-old deer hunter was charged with shooting a white horse while it was being ridden by a 12-year-old girl on her grandfather's farm on the outskirts of Browns Valley, Minnesota. The hunter told authorities he thought the horse was a deer. Comment: The National Rifle Association immediately issued a press release, blaming the 12-year-old girl. And the horse. Headline: JACKSON HOLDS CHILD OFF BALCONY The Associated Press reports that Michael Jackson made an appearance outside his Berlin hotel and briefly held his youngest child over a fourth-floor balcony in front of dozens of fans waiting below. The boy, his legs kicking, had what appeared to be a white cloth over his head as Jackson, holding the child with one arm around his waist, held him out over the iron rail of the balcony of the luxurious Adlon Hotel. Comment: Sadly, the child's escape attempt was unsuccessful. More: Fans had gathered outside the hotel, just opposite Berlin's landmark Brandenburg Gate, and security had to remove some from the lobby. Several carried banners, including one that said "Save the Kids," with drawings of children's faces, a reference to Jackson's philanthropy. Comment: A reference to his philanthropy?  I'm pretty sure the rest of the banner read, "...from Michael Jackson!" Headline: THE AUGUST NATIONAL GOLF CLUB SAYS AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF AMERICANS SUPPORT ITS RESISTANCE TO ADMITTING WOMEN MEMBERS. It bases this claim on a poll it commissioned. The poll asked the following question: "Do you agree or disagree with this statement? The Augusta National Golf Club was correct in its decision not to cave in to Martha Burk's demand. They should review and change their policies on their own time and in their own way." Comment: Well, gee....It's hard to argue with the results of a nationwide, unbiased, scientific poll like THAT. Using the same standard of objective polling, additional new surveys indicate the following surprising results.... 97% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE O.J. IS INNOCENT! (The question: Do you agree or disagree with this statement? In America, a person accused of a crime is considered innocent until proven guilty.) 89% OF AMERICANS OPPOSE EDUCATION! (The question: Do you think children should be forced, by law, to sit for hours in small, confined spaces to be brainwashed by strangers?) 100% OF AMERICANS WANT TO RECEIVE UNSOLICITED TELEMARKETING CALLS! (The question: Should the government have the right to prevent someone from calling another person on the telephone?) Headline: HARVEY PITT RESIGNS AS SEC CHAIRMAN Comment: President Bush quickly announced plans to replace Pitt "with an accomplished businessman of impeccable ethical credentials ... Adelphia founder John Rigas." Headline: FRENCH PROSTITUTES PROTEST CRACKDOWN Wearing white masks with tears painted on them, hundreds of prostitutes rallied in front of the French Senate to protest a high-profile government crackdown on their livelihood. Comment: No matter WHERE you stand on this issue, you've got to agree: The world CANNOT be a better place if you mix Prostitution and Mime! Headline: BUSH HAS RECORD HIGH MID-TERM APPROVAL RATING According to an ABC News poll, President Bush has a job approval of 67 percent, which is slightly better than the 61 percent job approval President Eisenhower had in the Gallup poll before the 1954 midterm elections. Comment: We will now pause to list all of President Bush's accomplishments during his first term in office: 1. He said terrorism is really, really bad. 2. Ummmm...... Headline: TANK BLOWN AWAY -- BY THE WIND Reuters reports that the British Army is appealing for anyone hiding one if its borrowed inflatable tanks -- which blew away in a weekend gale -- to kindly return it. The dummy tank, which takes three men to handle, was being used in an Army exercise. An spokesman said, "If anyone has seen a flying tank please contact us. We would like it back." Comment: (CHEAP SHOT WARNING!) Coincidentally, thousands of surprised Brits have deluged the tabloids, offering for sale what they swear are genuine photos of Rosie O'Donnell hang-gliding. Headline #1: "SOPRANOS" STAR JAMES GANDOLFINI ADMITS HE WENT INTO REHAB A FEW YEARS AGO FOR COCAINE ADDICTION AND ALCOHOL ABUSE Headline #2: ROBERT ILER, THE TEENAGER WHO PLAYS "A.J." — TONY SOPRONO'S SON ON "SOPRANOS" — IS AMONG FOUR CAST MEMBERS WHO ARE ASKING FOR A SALARY RAISE TO $100,000 PER EPISODE. (Headlines from the Ross Brittain Report) Comment: Whoa! And you're telling me it's GANDOLFINI who's been on drugs?? That kid wants over $1,000,000 per year for an occasional walk-on? Let me lay it out for you, kid: Your character goes off to military school and is never heard from again ... except for the occasional Christmas card. Your character is killed off, adding great stress to Tony's character and a great revenge plot. Your character isn't killed off or sent anywhere. Your character simply never is referred to again, and nobody notices. Headline: PRESIDENT BUSH SIGNS IRAQ WAR RESOLUTION Comment: In the inspiring words of the President, "There's an old saying in Texas: You can attack all of the people all of the time, but....Um....You, uh....You can't attack me twice!" Headline: ARTHUR ANDERSEN IS PUT ON PROBATION The Associated Press reports that the Arthur Andersen accounting firm was sentenced to five years probation and fined $500,000 for thwarting the federal investigation of the fallen energy giant. Comment: Andersen also was ordered to pay $400 in court costs. (That is NOT a joke! It's part of the news story, but I can't think of a humorous comment that would be funnier than the simple fact.) Headline: AOL DROPS THIRD-PARTY POP-UP ADS According to the Associated Press, pop-up advertising from outside merchants will disappear from America Online as the company attempts to regain the affections of its 35 million subscribers by minimizing the annoying screens. According to AOL Chairman CEO Jon Miller, the change is intended as a mark of AOL's "back to basics" return to focusing on its customers. Comment: TRANSLATION: Now that we've discovered we're not going to get rich from our company's stock, which has tanked, we reluctantly find ourselves forced to try to make money by actually listening to our customers and giving them what they want. Headline: BUSH SAYS HE'LL OK ELECTION OVERHAUL The Associated Press reports that the first nationwide election standards plus billions of dollars in new voting equipment, provisional ballots and ID requirements will greet voters in 2004 under a bill Congress passed to rectify problems that plagued the 2000 presidential election. President Bush says the legislation contains "important election reforms" and has promised to sign it. Among other things, the bill establishes statewide registration lists that would use a voter's driver's license number or the last four digits of their Social Security number as an identifier for the database. Voters with neither number would be assigned an identifying number by the state. Comment: That's an outrage! It's unconstitutional! A statewide identity database? Why, it's.... What? Oh! A database of VOTERS! Whew! For a minute I thought President Bush had changed his mind and was going to allow the "fingerprinting" of guns to allow law enforcement officials to match bullets used in crimes to the guns that fired them. Sure, if we had that in place right now might already have saved some lives from that lunatic sniper, but...Well, it's the doggone principle of the thing! Headline: STUDY SAYS LOCAL NEWS IGNORES CAMPAIGNS According to the Associated Press, A survey reports that campaign coverage could be found on more than than half of local newscasts around the country...even though Election Day is barely a month away. Comment: Ourtrageous! Shameful! All of those media outlets ignoring the elections that will determine our very future, just so they can report on meaningless, "fluffy" stories. And in other news, a (Suburb) woman has grown a potato that bears a startling resemblance to Mount Rushmore. We'll be speaking to her live, right after this..... Headline: SENTENCES CUT AFTER PRISONERS MEMORIZE KORAN Reuters reports that Dubai has cut the jail terms of 12 inmates by up to five years after they memorized parts of the Koran. Head of prisons Mohammed al-Suweidi told reporters the inmates, some of them facing 25-year terms, took advantage of a drive launched by Dubai to raise religious awareness. Comment: Inspired by this innovative approach to criminal rehabilitation, (Local) Sheriff/Chief of Police (NAME) has announced a new plan whereby inmates can receive reduced sentences for memorizing portions of SPORTS ILLUSTRATED's annual "Swimsuit Issue." Headline: SADDAM HUSSEIN WINS IRAQI RE-ELECTION BY NEARLY UNANIMOUS VOTE Comment: It would've been unanimous if it weren't for the mysterious appearance of 17,000 Florida ballots for Al Gore. Headline: FALWELL APOLOGIZES TO MUSLIMS According to the Associated Press, the Rev. Jerry Falwell has apologized for calling Islam's founder a terrorist, saying he "intended no disrespect to any sincere, law-abiding Muslim." In an interview with CBS' '"60 Minutes," the conservative Baptist minister said he had concluded from reading Muslim and non-Muslim writers that Muhammad "was a terrorist." Falwell said, "That was a mistake and I apologize." Comment: He concluded that from "reading Muslim and non-Muslim writers," huh? I suspect the closest he ever came to reading a Muslim writer was when he accidentally heard some song lyrics by Cat Stevens. Comment: An informed source identifies the "non-Muslim writers" as John Grisham and Tom Clancy. Comment: This, of course, is the same Jerry Falwell who declared on national television that the 9/11 attacks were the result of God being upset with America for the actions of -- and I quote -- "the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians...the ACLU (and) People for the American Way." Gee, if he keeps saying stuff like that, ol' Jerry's going to give ignorant, bigoted, hateful morons a bad name. Headline: PRESIDENT BUSH CAMPAIGNS BY TELEPHONE The Associated Press reports that President Bush is reaching out to citizens with recorded phone messages urging them to vote Republican. In more than 25 states, the GOP is telephoning voters who have requested absentee ballots and playing the recorded voice of Bush, asking them to vote Republican. "Once you receive your ballot I hope you will support our great Republican candidates," Bush says in one recording. "They are working to make America stronger, safer and better. I appreciate your support of my agenda." Comment: "...and even if you decide NOT to vote Republican, I'd like to talk to you about a great new plan that will allow you to call anywhere in the country for only 5.9 cents per minute...." Topical Humor archives. SAVE BIG ON THIS MORNING SHOW/COMEDY PACKAGE COMEDY PRODUCTION DISCS GOLD PACKAGE Save a WHOPPING $97 when you buy these four MORNING SHOW COMEDY/PRODUCTION COMEDY essentials! DORK-A-PELLAS DORK-A-PELLAS, VOLUME TOO! MORNING MADNESS SILLY SHOW SPONSORS Click here to order! ©2002 Dan O'Day. For one-time, LOCAL on-air use by visitors to this page only; all other forms of reproduction are strictly prohibited.