A DJíS FANTASY
by Dan OíDay
PD to DJ: Hereís a special hotline number for you. Whenever you catch me screwing up during my airshift, please feel free to call and scream obscenities at me.
GM to DJ: Youíre just as important to this station as the most lowly salesperson. What model cellular phone do you want us to put in the leased car weíre trading out for you?
GM to DJ: Do you have a minute? Iíd like to explain this stationís overtime payment schedule for air talent.
Spouse of station owner to DJ: Sure, I have a favorite song, but I would never ask you to play it. After all, you have a format to execute.
Engineer to DJ: If you ever have any problem with the equipment, no matter how slight, just let me know and Iíll fix it right away. Otherwise, I promise never to speak to you unless you ask me to.
GM to DJ: Our engineer works five days a week. Our office staff works five days a week. Our sales staff works five days a week. Why in the world should you be expected to work six (or even seven) days a week?
Station owner to DJ: Look, Iím just a guy who bought himself a radio station. I wouldnít dream of telling you how to entertain thousands of people; thatís your job.
Salesperson to DJ: You do all that work to create such a marketable product. I feel so guilty about getting paid 15% of the fruits of your labor.
Listener to DJ at a public appearance: You look exactly like you sound on the radio!
Consultant to DJ: Iím afraid my travel schedule is so full that I wonít be able to visit your station until 2010.
Previous DJ to next DJ: Iíve filed all my carts and discs. The log is up to date. Iíve disposed of my food wrappers. Because I smoke and you donít, Iíve emptied the ashtray and sprayed air freshener in the studio. Hereís a fresh note pad, two newly sharpened pencils, and a bunch of show prep material I wasnít able to fit in my show today. Iíd love to stay and chat, but I want to get the updated weather forecast for you before I leave.
GM to airstaff: This is the eighth consecutive ratings book in which weíve lost both audience share and cume. Weíve gone through four format changes and seven PDs in four years. Obviously, I donít have any idea how to manage a radio station. Therefore, I hereby tender my resignation.
Listener to DJ: I got these five diaries in the mail from a company called Arbitron, but Iím not sure how to fill them out. Youíre my very favorite air personality, so I figured Iíd ask you for advice on what to
do with these.
Credit card company to DJ: We hope you enjoy your very own gold Visa card.
Junk mail to DJ: Dear homeowner...
Inspired by Stephen Lordís "A Writerís Fantasy" which appeared in the
Writerís Guild of America-Westís publication, "The Journal."